Unmasking My Past: Trusting God with My Story
This post reveals a deep, painful journey—a glimpse into the unvarnished truth of who I am. While some details remain untold to protect the innocent, much of my story is shared here. Vulnerability is not weakness; it is a step toward healing and freedom.
We all wear masks, often with the sincere intent of reflecting well on God. But as the authors of TrueFaced (Bill Thrall, John Lynch, and Bruce McNicol) explain, masks arise from sin—whether our own or sins committed against us. For me, it was both. Living behind a mask felt safe, but it was bondage. True freedom came when I trusted God and others enough to step into the light, to be known and loved as I am.
As TrueFaced beautifully puts it:
“We will never please God through our efforts to become godly. Rather, we will only please God—and become godly—when we trust God.”
A Childhood of Pain and Seeds of Faith
The roots of my struggles run deep. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I was often left alone due to illness in the home. From age five to my teens, I endured sexual abuse by neighbors, a trauma that shaped much of my early life.
The 1970s brought rebellion—bell bottoms, rock music, and a "live for the moment" culture mirrored my brokenness. I experimented with drugs and sought escape, but every summer, time with my sweet, godly grandmother planted seeds of faith. Her love reflected Jesus, and I longed for the relationship with Him that she had.
From Rebellion to Religion
In my late teens, my grandmother’s influence led me to Christ. I became active in the Salvation Army and Young Life, sincerely wanting to follow Jesus but wrestling with shame and guilt.
Married at 17, I quickly realized my husband was a drug addict. We had three daughters in five years. Determined to raise them in a Christian home, I turned to religion with zeal—but it became legalistic. I joined a fundamentalist church, where rules replaced relationship, and my efforts to control my family stifled the love of God.
When my husband abandoned us, the church rejected me. Their judgment left me spiritually bruised and without support. For years, I carried the shame of being a divorced single mother, struggling to provide for my children.
Homelessness and Hope
The darkest moment came when we faced eviction. Preparing to live in my car with my children, a kind neighbor intervened, connecting me with a Christian children’s home. Though devastating to leave my children, it was a turning point.
With God’s provision and hard work, I entered the police academy, graduated, and reunited my family. Though the journey was exhausting, it brought us stability and hope.
The Police Officer Years: Juggling Family and Duty
Reuniting my family was a joyous moment, but the demands of police work were unrelenting. I worked 80–120 hours a week, often going without sleep for days. Though exhausting, it allowed me to pay for childcare and create a stable home. Despite the grueling schedule, I remained committed to my children and worked tirelessly to provide for them.
As a police officer, I learned resilience and discipline. The challenges of the job helped me grow, but the long hours also took a toll on my health and relationships. These years were a testament to God’s sustaining grace during one of the most challenging seasons of my life.
Police Officer to Homeschooling Mom
The years as a police officer were marked by hard work and sacrifice. While I was able to reunite my children and create a more stable life, the constant grind took its toll. The long hours, physical demands, and emotional weight of law enforcement left me exhausted.
When I remarried, my life took a significant turn. My husband’s business success allowed me to step away from police work to focus on raising my children. Around this time, we moved to Tennessee and enrolled the children in a private Christian school. However, the rigid environment and my youngest son's struggles with reading led me to consider homeschooling as an alternative.
What began as a practical solution quickly became a calling. Homeschooling offered me the chance to pour into my children spiritually and academically while protecting them from negative influences. I embraced the Proverbs 31 model of a godly woman—teaching my children, sewing their clothes, and creating a home centered on faith.
Homeschooling and Legalism
Homeschooling began as a necessity and grew into a ministry. I poured myself into raising my children, teaching them academics, life skills, and faith. Our family started a small homeschool business that flourished. But beneath the surface, cracks were forming.
We became entangled in the patriarchal homeschooling movement. While many of its principles seemed biblical, its legalism and extreme submission bred dysfunction and abuse. My marriage deteriorated, and our home became a battleground of control and brokenness.
Breaking Free
The collapse of my second marriage marked a pivotal moment. The patriarchal mindset had allowed spiritual abuse to thrive, but I finally saw the truth. After years of denial, I began to face the damage, acknowledge my failures, and seek healing.
The divorce and the many lies my children were told left my relationships with several of them strained for years. However, after my ex-husband passed away in 2013 and could no longer distort the truth, reconciliation began to take place. While I am deeply grateful for the healing we’ve experienced, I will always mourn the precious years of my grandchildren’s childhood that I missed during that time.
The journey wasn’t easy. The fallout of divorce, strained relationships with my children, and years of trying to earn God’s love left deep scars. But God used even my brokenness to draw me closer to Him.
Redemption and Relationship
God’s grace redeemed my story. I learned that freedom in Christ is not about perfection or performance but about abiding in Him. Submission to God brings peace, not oppression.
Today, my life is far from perfect, but I walk in the light of His love. He has restored relationships, blessed me with a godly husband, and given me a ministry to share His truth and grace.
Why I Share
I share my story because I want to encourage others to trust God with their brokenness.
- God redeems. If He can redeem my past, He can redeem anyone.
- Masks hinder healing. Being honest about our struggles allows God to work in our lives and encourages others.
- Freedom is found in Him. True freedom comes when we trust God fully and abide in His love.
Brennan Manning said it best, “In a futile attempt to erase our past, we deprive the community of our healing gift. If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.”
My prayer is that sharing my journey will point others to the One who heals, restores, and brings beauty from ashes.
Family Update
- My oldest daughter, Belinda and her husband Behzad have two children Victoria and Alex. Belinda (Lori to our family) continues to run Family Christian Academy in Nashville while living in Alabama, helping her husband run his restaurant.
- My second daughter, Rebecca is the mother of five (Jenny, Abby, AnnMarie, John, and JoeJoe) and CEO of the WellPlanned Gal
- My sweet, loving third daughter Victoria went to heaven. Nothing I have ever experienced prepared me for the pain of losing a child. She was my best friend. God is walking beside me, continuing to heal my broken heart. Victoria’s three boys are Stephen, Timothy, and Brandon.
- My oldest son, Danny, and his family live in KY. Danny’s wife Ashlie is a wonderful, loving homeschool mother. They have four boys (three here and one in heaven) Jordan, Kevin, Matthew, and Timothy (Matthew went to heaven the day he was born, three months before Vicky, its comforting to know they are together).
- My fourth daughter, Regina and Matt, recently moved back to Nashville with their children Scarlett, Isabell, and Judah.
- Anthony graduated with a valedictorian with a BS in two years at Full Sail University and is the Creative Director of gaming software in Sofia, Bulgaria but recently got a job offer in Austin Texas.
- Michael has a small business in the Nashville area.
- David was Marine for four years and returned to the Nashville Area and runs lawn service business. He has a daughter Piper and son Matthew.
- Christopher is a police officer in Whitehouse TN.
